Posts tagged personal
I know its a bit premature (the blog visit count on my blog is only about 99,8000 yet and it will take another 2-3 days to hit that milestone) but I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all the ~1 million readers who have thought it worthwhile to visit my blog at least once. You know who who you are: thanks to the Moms and the Grandmoms (those readers who were the only ones to visit it in the early days) and thanks also to the Siblings and Cousins (those blogs which encouraged, accepted and sometimes generated a healthy sibling competition of sorts in the early days?).
My blog is ~12.5 years old, finishing the tween years and preparing to enter adolescence (if I may anthropomorphise it….I don’t really know if in the species called blogs, teenage begins at 13 years or whether a 13 year old is already an ageing blog on the verge of retirement/ death?), and I have mixed feelings about it.
To begin with, the following lines from an old popular TV commercial sensitizing people against gender discrimination comes to mind:
‘Ka maine kokh sahi na jani?’
English translation: ‘Did I not give birth to the right child?’
As some of you may know The Mouse Trap has not been able to generate much discussion (only 45 comments as per WP.com stats and 1313 comments as per WP dashboard, most of which are my own scoop.it backlink comments), is a relatively ‘Quiet’/ introverted child (only 540 posts in ~12.5 years), and may even be a specially abled/ differently abled child (it may have missed its developmental milestones like getting a one million hits in the first five years itself:-) ), but I am more than satisfied with my baby. It bears repeating that each child is unique and special, and that I am a proud parent.
The only regret I have is whether I have spent enough time with my child? Did I read enough stuff, reflect on it, and then take careful time out to craft a good post? I know that my blog can never live up to the extraverted ideals – of posting daily, of taking care of SEO etc to ensure enough stimulation (visibility/ interaction) etc, but I am also doubtful whether I really worked that hard to make content the king. Did I not start taking my blog (and its readers) for granted? Did other commitments, like curating content on scoop.it or other social media, not take away from the time I could have spent with the Mouse Trap?
Also, am I expecting too much from my child, and that too, too early? I had decided to put ads on The Mouse Trap earlier this year, and the revenue I get from that is still not able to cover expenses for hosting The Mouse Trap on fast servers (so that the readers can have a good experience), so are my expectations unrealistic? Should I wait till young adulthood before expecting The Mouse Trap to be able to sustain itself?
But then when I look at shining examples of other young adults out there (like Brain Pickings or Wait But why?) who are walking upright, I know that the Mouse Trap could also walk one day on its own feet. The hope lives on!
PS: Thanks, last but not the least, to my baby (The Mouse Trap) which is a bundle of joy. Like all parents, I take great solace in your potential and warmth, whenever feeling down or in a low mood. Reading older posts brings back memories of joy and thinking about your future fills me with excitement and vigor. Long Live The Mouse Trap.
I have Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA). I am also bipolar.
Now which of the above statements shocked/ surprised you more? If I am guessing correctly the latter statement about my being bipolar came across as more of a shock/ surprise/ concern. Now what does that say about your own reactions to mental illness and your own involvement in perpetuating the stigma against mental illness?
Both of the above are chronic diseases to an extent. My OSA (snoring in popular parlance) cannot be treated by surgery, so the only viable option I have is to use a CPAP machine while sleeping to get a good night’s sleep. Bipolar disorder as we all know can only be contained, and I take my medicines regularly to ensure that there are no relapse into either a manic or a depressive episode.
Both, if un-diagnosed and untreated can cause havoc. OSA which was un-diagnosed/ untreated for about a couple of years or so in my case led to excessive daytime drowsiness, less alertness and lowered productively etc; if untreated OSA can cause increased risk of injury to self and others while driving as you may actually get into micro sleeps while driving. Even if not that dramatic, on a daily basis the quality of your sleep and waking life can become very diminished. The downsides of having a manic or depressive episodes are well known- at least to readers of this blog. However, what may be less well known is that even in the throes of psychotic extremes, the risk to others from violence by bipolar people is very little and if anything they may be subjected to violence than otherwise.
When treated, that is when I use my CPAP machine regularly I have no problems at all due to my OSA either in my work life or in my personal life – I am as refreshed in morning as ever. Rather I believe I might be getting better sleep than the average person. When treated, that is when I regularly use medicine, and take other precautions like having regular sleep cycles etc for my bipolar, I am totally episode free- rather I believe I have an advantage when it comes to managing my energy and mood.
However, given all the above, which disclosure do you think has drastically lowered my chances of employment (if I was seeking employment, which I am thankfully not:-)); which disclosure would have led to discrimination in the workplace or at least got me some amused and funny looks? About which of these are my friends and acquaintances likely to gossip more? Why as a society we are still not that accepting of mental illness and stigmatize those who have it?
Some immediate consequences I can think of:
- readers of The Mouse Trap will no longer take my interest in psychology as non-partisan. They will think of me as being interested in psychology only due to my being bipolar (to set the record straight I became interested in psychology in 1996 during my IIT delhi days, while my first episode happened while I worked with Hughes in 2001). Also when I take a position like association of biploar with creativity, I will be considered biased; however nobody will say that a ‘normal’ person advocating otherwise is biased due to his being ‘normal’.
- Some will start to see signs of craziness in my old/ new posts and wonder whether when I was writing them I was in a normal frame of mind or episodic. Its usually my style to try and combine seemingly disparate research ideas and that is especially prone to this analysis.
- I will start getting sympathy, but like anyone living with say OSA or diabetes etc I think one should just ignore the fact about my being bipolar and not let it redefine my relationship with you. I am much more than a person with bipolar or OSA, and I prefer it that way.
- there will be some embarrassment for my near and dear ones.
Why did I not disclose for so many years?
- because I feared discrimination (and funny looks) at the workplace. It might have been imaginary but I was not strong enough to experiment. Now that I am self employed the stakes are much lower and I don’t care.
- I myself was grappling with my being bipolar. For initial some years it was hard to accept; later I struggled with accepting medication as necessary ; but now for quite some years I am at peace and thankfully episode free.
- As I believe it never affected adversely my performance at work , I did not deemed it necessary to inform my employers etc as I thought ,and still think, its none of their business.
Why did I decide to disclose publicly about this?
- I have no delusions (pun intended) that I am Deepika Padukone that my talking about a mental health issue is going to raise awareness drastically; still I want to do my bit to fight stigma and the journey starts with oneself. I had a decent career in software despite my being biploar and being biploar hasn’t stopped me from taking risks and experimenting with a second career; hopefully that can inspire or provide mental support to a person or two.
- Some immediate triggers- a mouse trap reader on facebook privately messaged me asking if I only have theoretical knowledge about psychosis etc or if I had some personal experiences too. I think it was a legitimate question that deserves a legitimate answer.
- Another immediate trigger- I came across a tweet by https://twitter.com/akhileshlinky about his year end ‘confession’ about being bipolar and I though heck why not ‘come out’ yourself.
- but really, it doesn’t matter to me one way or other – the only upside of sharing more publicly is that it can help combat stigma.
What I expect from you?
- don’t define me exclusively as being biploar.
- reflect on your own attitudes about mental illness and try to overcome that implicit bias
- resist discrimination and stigma
Lastly, thanks are due to my family and friends who have been prone to this ‘secret’ over the years and who have provided the necessary support and encouragement.
Come 21st Nov and I will be delivering my first ever talk on ‘positive psychology: The science behind happiness and well-being‘ at the local (pune) Symbiosis Center for distance learning. The event will happen in Pune and there is a small and negligible ticket fees to cover expenses. More details can be found on the FaceBook event page or the GroupGyaan.com page.
Those who follow me on twitter or have been reading the blog for some time, would have noticed that I have been more and more inclined towards Positive psychology for quite some time. I recently also completed a certificate curse in Foundations of Positive Psychology from university of Pennsylvania, form none other than Tal Ben Shahar whose courses in Harvard on happiness and well being had record attendance. this will be the first , but not the lats! I think of these speaking engagements as a natural outgrowth of my blogging and my desire to share what I have learned with others.
It would be really gratifying if as regular readers of this blog, you either attend the event (if you are based in Pune) or at least spread awareness about the event in your friends and contacts that might be based in Pune.
Reproduced below is a blurb from the GroupGyaan.com website elaborating on what I plan to cover in that talk, though that is just an initial though and my thoughts have evolved since then as I worked on my presentation.
Today we want everything to be perfect. A perfect job, a perfect spouse, perfect parents, a perfect house, perfect kids, perfect gadgets, the perfect speed of life… The list is really endless. Our restless struggle is to achieve that perfection in everything we have around us. In this everlasting anxiety, we forget totally about our deeds, our attitude, and our mind. How will we find true happiness? Still the pursuit of happiness never ends… Let’s start it all over again in a new direction… with Sandeep Gautam.
In his session on Positive Psychology, Sandeep Gautam tells us what positive psychology is all about, and how it can help us in our everyday life. As he unfolds the research done on happiness and well-being, we will realize the benefits and characteristics of positive emotions. We will become more aware of the positive thinking styles, optimism and hope, that are already within us.
Let us learn with Sandeep how healthy our self-esteem is. Or how to measure our happiness. Yes, it can be measured. And not only that, it can also be increased using scientific methods. This session promises to introduce us to a more self-actualized, creative and motivated self of ours.
The natural fallout of a higher self-esteem and positive persona, is a more flourishing you. Be it your personal life or professional, you will find yourself more available to success and happiness. It’s not a miracle. It’s a science of happiness and well-being. Let us learn it and spread the joy!
Come with a child-like open and curious mind, and open doors to pure bliss!
Do join me for an engaging two hour session at 3 pm on 21st, or at least spread the word! The details of how to book your seats are available at the GroupGyaan.com page.
One of the first posts is about the real-time stream and analyzes it from a psychological perspective focusing on the virtual self one can associate with one’s stream. I am planning to write the other posts too in a similar format, though the topics covered would range from sociology, culture and politics to current affairs.
Please do visit the My 2 Brains blog and give me some feedback as to how you like the concept and what topics/ themes you would like me to cover there.
I am almost done with the new look of The Mouse Trap blog. I strongly encourage my RSS feed subscribers to come visit the new blog and give me feedback about the look and feel of the new site. There are a host of ratings and review plugins added that would let you rate individual posts as well as individual comments. Do explore the site and I am sure you will have some constructive feedback.